Saturday, March 31, 2012

When the madness comes

My own's my own madness...the one that comes after I dream of Zane, when I wake up and realise he really is never coming back, he really is dead, I really am not going to see him again, hear his voice again, his footsteps... Nope. As much as I don't want it to be true, it is.
I dreamt about him. I dreamt I was at the hospital next to his bed. He had been in a coma for 2 months. The doctor came to me and said I must sign a form so that they can take Zane off the machines & give him an injection. Then he will die. So I sign the form & when the doctor gives Zane the injection, he doesn't die, he wakes up. And not only does he wake up, he is full of energy, can walk straight away, talk - everything - just like he had never been in a coma at all! Of course, I'm all amazed by this, and slightly concerned, because there is a grave with his name on it. It seems we went ahead and had the funeral even though he was still around, because the doctors were so convinced that he wasn't going to make it, that they thought best get the funeral out of the way.
Okay - so there's me and Zane just freshly out of his 2 month coma, doing our rounds in the hospital - I dunno - like going from room to room and just looking. He is full of energy & smiling a big smile all the time, but funny enough never talks. But he's happy. So very happy.
Then I lose him. I don't know this happens, but I know it was because of something I did. Like I wanted to go to the bottle store or nip out for a fag or something like that & I lose him. So I go looking for him & I get to this room - a bathroom - it has a curtain around the bath, like a shower curtain & when I open the curtain, there's an enormous spider web from floor to ceiling, but it's not your usual spider web, it's a big square with smaller squares inside it. But when I opened the curtain, it got hooked on the web, do there's a part of the web ruined & I knows that this means the whole web is going to fall down & I dont know how I feel about this because there are lots of spiders about on the ceiling- small black ones - & I hate spiders, but the web is so beautiful.
I'm worried and panicky because I can't find Zane, although one of the big black nurses doesn't seem to think this is a problem, because there's already a grave with his name on, so it's not like I have to explain his disappearance or anything. But still I look for him... In the streets too, where I see a small child with her head down a drain pipe, but I don't help her. Instead I look away and tell myself if I don't see it, it doesn't exist.
Like I don't see Zane, so he doesn't exist.
I carry on down the street & back alleys, but I know he's gone & never coming back.

And then I wake up, & the madness is back.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wonderful Weekend

It's been a good weekend.
Friday I did lots of baking while I waited until it was time to fetch my niece from the station.

 We sat chatting till three in the morning, catching up on what's going on with her studies at University and the constant Rise and Fall of My Marriage.
Oh, it was so good to see her again, have her in my house, have her eating my food... I sometimes wonder if she knows how dear she is to me? I do tell her. And I tell her often. So I just hope she knows.
Saturday night was a bit of a dinner party - without the dinner, but with snacks. It was great fun and Middle Child told me this morning that I am a great party host because there was lots of food and everyone had a good time.
Today has been wonderfully quiet. I watched a movie with Eldest while Middle Child was at footie. I watched a movie from beginning to end with no interruptions and it was awesome. And I didn't feel guilty for wasting time or 'doing nothing'. Youngest was at his Best Friend and when I went round to pick him up, Best Friend's mother tells me that Best Friend's biggest dream is to have Youngest as a brother. I say they are. Even though they have different parents. I feel blessed that Youngest has such a special friend. They are good for each other.

This afternoon I spent on the couch, writing. And thinking, and writing and smiling...
View from the couch

The only sound was the washing machine working it's magic and the occassional voice out on the street.
Pretty much how I feel today

Friday, March 9, 2012

Early Days

I took Mr Husband to the airport - to the drop off zone, that is. A first for us, but - in my own defence - do I need a defence here? I can't decide.... anyway -  I needed to get home before it got too dark - I am slightly night blind made worse when it rains and it was starting to rain, and it was a week night and kids needed food and bed and what-not....
Funny how before, I would have stayed until the last minute, hanging on his leg trying to keep him from the departure gate. Things have changed...

So here we are - Day 3 of Mr Husband being away.
Early days, I know, but so far, so good.
I have been to 2 parent's evenings at school, sorted the kids, their lunch money, their arguments, their clothes, their activities.

I watched The Good Wife, The Big When last did I watch TV? Alone? In peace?
It's early days. Let me not get ahead of myself.
I'm baking a cheese cake today.
I'm fetching my niece from the station later, she's spending the night.
I'm having a party tomorrow night.

Cuddle King sleeps with me. He's like a human hot water bottle. And he purrs in his sleep.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Boys and Girlfriends

Oldest has a girlfriend.
All he will tell me about her is 'she's a ginger.' He's coy.
Right now I think this is a relationship made up of messaging back and forth on Blackberry and shy glances in the school passages.
Middle Child shows me a photo of her on facebook. She's gorgeous. Beautiful red hair and big green eyes.
"So, why doesn't Oldest bring her over here?"
"Is he embarrassed of us?"
"Hmm... I don't think so."
"Then why doesn't he bring her here?"
"Well, you wouldn't take a chance, now would you?"

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Round Like A Circle

Mr Husband and I are bickering. We are saying the same things we always say. This is what I call a Circle Argument. Cue dog chasing its tail.
It goes 'round and 'round, this conversation. He says the same things he always says. I have the same responses at the ready as I always have. This is not helpful.
The circle is spinning faster and tighter, my chest tense with the stress of it all.
Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel......
- This has to stop! I tell him.
He opens his mouth.
- No.This really has to stop. We cannot continue this discussion (relevant term) now. Not now. Not until we can find another way to do it.
He wants to say something, but I put up my hand to stop him.
- We need to find another way. This way hurts too much.

Later I am standing at the kitchen window looking out on the world moving below. Across the road are an elderly couple that keep their garden pretty in the summer and tidy in the winter. I'm watching them arrive home from getting their groceries. Or messages as they say in these parts. The old man holds the gate open for his wife and takes a grocery bag from her. He opens the front door too and stands back for her to go in first. I wonder about them. I estimate they are in their late 70's / early 80's. I wonder what they would tell me if I asked about the history of their marriage?

In the early hours of this morning, there is a commotion in the street and again I am at the kitchen window. This time the observation is not pleasant at all. There is a young man in the street. He seems to be drunk - or under the influence of something that is causing him to behave in an appalling manner. He is screaming and shouting at 5 policemen & the small crowd around him, pulling his shirt from his body & shouting obscenities. My heart pulls. This is some one's son.
The police bundle him into the back of the car.
Where are his parents? Why is he here?
I don't want that for my boys. And for some or other reason - as much as I realise there is no guarantee to the emotional success of your children, I do believe that they stand a better chance if they have both parents on their side, together, supporting them, helping them through this bewildering journey of life.
I watch the police car drive away and can see him fighting in the the back seat, his head swinging from one side to the other while one of the officers tries to hold him still.
I want us to raise our children together. I want us to be a family.

All I have is this: Love.
But, I know Love is not enough. Love needs companions. It needs Respect, Faith, Perseverance, Endurance.
Love, cannot work on its own like an undercover secret agent; it has to have support and back up.
Perhaps we can still find this.
At least there is Love. It is the first ingredient. And that we do have.